These are actual conversations I have with our 1.5-year-old English Shepherd, Daisy. Note, I am interpreting Daisy’s barks, expressions, and intonation. But these are all true!
(Daisy walks under my desk and puts her head on my lap)
Daisy: Hey John!
Me: Hey, Days!
Daisy: I can’t help but to notice it’s nice out yet your sitting at the computer.
Daisy: You should be out playing with me.
Me: But Daisy I’m writing a book.
Daisy: So? You saying you’d rather write a book than hang with me?
Me: Well no, but the book brings us money so we can buy you food, treats and toy.
Daisy: Oh, carry on. I’ll go bark at the birds.
Yo see the ball…
I’m in the kitchen cooking dinner.
(Daisy pushes a ball into the room)
Daisy: Yo human! There’s a ball there! There’s a ball there!!
Me: Daisy, I’m cooking.
(Daisy runs up and gets the ball she pushes it closer to my feet)
Daisy: There. Now you can kick it easy.
Daisy: You don’t even have to bend, just kick.
Daisy: I know you can do it.
Me: Daisy. I’m cooking!!
Daisy: Oh, sorry, for wanting to be a part of your life.
Daisy: I thought you could multi-task.
I turn and the kick to boy to Daisy.
(Daisy runs after the ball)
Daisy: Ha, works every time.
Daisy and I walk outside.
(Daisy runs and gets the frisbee)
(Daisy hands me the frisbee)
Me: Sure we have time for some throws!
(Daisy won’t release the frisbee)
Me: Daisy, release.
(Daisy drops back fighting me more)
Me: Daisy, hand!
(Daisy fights harder trying to keep the frisbee she wants me to throw)
Me: Daisy, I’m not going to fight with you!
(Daisy looks at me)
Me: I can’t throw the frisbee if you don’t drop the frisbee.
Daisy: Not with that attitude you can’t!!
Daisy and I are outside pulling weeds.
Daisy: Hey John look over there. It’s a funny looking cat.
Me: Ah, Daisy that’s a skunk.
Daisy: If it comes into our yard I will chase it.
Daisy: Come into our yard silly skunk so I can chase you out!
Me: Wait, you want it to come into the yard so you can chase it out.
Daisy: I admit I’m a complicated lady.
Me: You know if you get close it can blast you with a stinky scent.
Daisy: I’m a dog I like stink.
Me: But mommy and I don’t. We’d have to bath you in tomato juice.
Daisy: Okay new plan. I just stare at it and look cool.
Me: Good plan.
I’m sitting in my office. I hear rustling in the kitchen.
Me: Daisy what are you doing?
I get up and head into the kitchen.
(Daisy is counter surfing)
Daisy: Oh hi. This isn’t what it seems like.
Me: It seems like you’re trying to eat things off of the counter.
Daisy: See, I knew you’d think that. I’m just cleaning the crumbs.
Me: Oh okay, carry on.
Daisy and I are out walking.
(Daisy spots her buddy Zowie the poodle walking on the other side of the street)
(Daisy moves to that side)
Daisy: Human! Human! Human!! It’s Zowie!! She my bud!! I must see and sniff here! It’s my duty.”
Me: Daisy we’re walking.
Daisy: Exactly we walk across the street to see Zowie!
Me: Daisy this walk time not play time.
(Daisy (eyes roll): Human, I’m not like you I am able to multi-task)
We walk across the street.
The two start jumping on each other.
Daisy: Zowie!!!! Zowie!!!! Zowie!!!! Let’s play my human is so boring!
Daisy (turns to me): Nothing personal.
Me: Some taken.
Frisbee Out of Reach
Daisy and I our out in the yard tossing the frisbee.
Well I’m tossing and she’s catching and running it back.
We have been at this for about 20 minutes.
I throw one thirty yards Daisy runs next to it and sits down.
Daisy: I can’t reach it.
Me: Daisy, it’s like two feet from you. You ran like 30 yards to get there.
Daisy: I think my warning collar will go off if I get closer.
Me: Nope you are nowhere near the line.
Daisy: Easy for you to say you’re not wearing this collar.
Me: Fine, if it’s too far away you must be tired.
I turn and walk towards the house.
Me: Let’s go inside and get some nice water.
(Daisy picks up the frisbee and runs it over to me)
Daisy: Hey, what do ya know! I could reach it! Good depth perception human!
I’ll do it myself
I’m sitting at me office working away.
(Daisy comes to the door. Jumps up and shows me the frisbee)
Daisy: Come on John, you know you want to play!
Me: Daisy I have to work!
Daisy: Come on! You know playing with me is much more fun than work!
Daisy: Plus I understand throwing the frisbee builds up your arm.
Me: Daisy, please let me work.
Daisy: Fine, be boring. I will throw the frisbee myself.
(Daisy whips her head back and throws the frisbee into the bushes past our yard)
Daisy: Ah, John I kind of have a problem here.
I stand up, leave the office and go get the frisbee under the bush.
Daisy: Thanks John! You’re alright.
Daisy: Now since you are out here let’s do a few tosses.
I throw the frisbee.
(Daisy runs and gets the frisbee)
Me: Daisy, you did that on purpose.
Daisy: No John I’m just a silly but adorable dog who can’t throw a frisbee.
I’m typing away at my computer.
(Daisy walks under my desk)
(Daisy puts her head on my leg)
Daisy: Hey, how’s it going?
Me: Good just writing a comic.
Daisy: What me to edit it?
Me: Nah, I’m good.
Daisy: Have you looked out the window recently?
Me: Not really.
Daisy: Well the way I see it you can always write.
Daisy: But it’s sunny and light out. Perfect weather for throwing a frisbee.
I stand up and walk towards the door.
(Daisy (mumbles): Like taking candy from a baby)
Daisy: Nothing. You’re a good pet human!
I deserve more…
I pour some dog food into Daisy’s bowl.
(Daisy walks over and looks at the bowl)
Daisy: This is a dog food.
Me: Yes, you are a dog.
Daisy: Not just a dog. I’m a watch dog. I keep annoying birds and squirrels out of the yard.
Daisy: And don’t get me started on those deer. I keep them away too!
Me: That is true.
Daisy: I bark whenever ANYBODY comes to the door.
Me: Also true.
Daisy: Plus I’m a great herder.
Me: Yes, too bad we don’t have cattle.
Daisy: That’s on you.
Me: Tell you what. I’ll put a little meat broth on your dog food.
Daisy: You’re a good man!
Time to go out… Maybe
(Daisy stands by the door to my office, it’s nighttime)
I look up.
Me: Daisy you want to go out?
Daisy: Way to do the math.
I stand up and get the leash.
(Daisy runs away into the living room)
I follow her.
Me: Come on, Daisy.
(Daisy runs to the other room)
Me: Daisy, I thought you wanted to go out.
(Daisy runs to the door in my office)
I catch her.
I bend down and put on the leash.
Me: Why did you make that so difficult?
Daisy: I thought you could use a few more steps before bedtime.
I have the frisbee.
Me: Come on Daisy!
I fake right.
I fake left.
I fake behind me.
(Daisy jumps up and takes the Frisbee from me)
(Daisy looks at me and shakes her head)
She drops the frisbee at my feet.
Daisy: Just throw the darn thing now!
I throw the frisbee.
Daisy runs after it: Gooood human!)
I’m standing in the bath room.
The door pushes up.
A ball rolls into the room.
I turn and see Daisy there.
Me: Daisy honey, read the room.
Daisy: What? You can’t multi-task?
Play Time Again
(Daisy barking by the door like crazy)
Me: Daisy, what’s going on?
Daisy: My friend Mick is next door! I must go sniff and run around with him!
Daisy: We’re buds! That’s what buds do!
I look outside. Sure enough the lawn guys that bring Mick are at our neighbors.
I let Daisy out despite the fact that it is raining.
Daisy: I’m coming Mick! I’m coming!
(Daisy and Mick run towards each other)
They run around the house a couple times.
(Daisy brings Mick into the garage)
Me: Ah, Daisy, I thought you wanted to play.
Daisy: Dude, you are embarrassing me in front of my bud. We’re just drying off a little!
Me: Okay, carry on.
Daisy: Hey, Mick we can use my human to dry our paws.
The two dogs both start jumping up and down on me.
Once my yellow sweat shirt is brown enough they run off.
Daisy: Thanks human!
Me: Glad I could help…