These are actual conversations I have with our 1.5-year-old English Shepherd, Daisy. Note, I am interpreting Daisy’s barks, expressions, and intonation. But these are all true!
The Deer Hunter
(Daisy jumps up on the door)
Daisy: Get out of my yard deer!!
Daisy: I do not like this one little bit! Out!! Out!! Out!!!!
(Daisy turns to me)
Daisy: John let me out so I can drive the deer away for you!!
Me: Daisy, I don’t mind the deer. They are just looking for food.
Daisy: John, I must get them off our yard for you! I’m doing this for you!
Me: Daisy, I just told you the deer is okay.
Daisy: That’s what they want you to believe. They’re crafty! I’ll give them that!
(Daisy barks at the door)
Daisy: Out!!!! Out!!!!! Out!!!!!
Me: Admit it, you just want to chase them for you.
Daisy: Out!!!! Out!!!!!!
Daisy: Okay, I admit I do enjoy a good deer chase.
Me: Sorry, Daisy not going to happen.
Daisy: I’m telling momma about this!!
I Couldn’t Help But Notice…
I’m sitting at my computer typing.
(Daisy walks under my desk and puts her head on my knee)
Me: Hey, Daisy.
Daisy: Hey, John. I couldn’t help but notice you’re not doing anything.
Me: Daisy, I’m working.
Daisy: Since you’re not doing anything lets throw a ball.
Me: Daisy, I’m working.
Daisy: I’m not picky. I’ll go for a walk.
Daisy: I haven’t taken you for a walk yet today.
Me: Daisy, I’m on a deadline.
Daisy: I know I can catch frisbees you throw! That’s fun for both of us!
Daisy: It will tire me out.
(Daisy gives me the sad eyes)
Me: Okay, let’s go throw a frisbee!
Daisy: Great idea! I don’t know how you think of this stuff!
Olga and I are sitting in the living room watching TV.
We hear a noise coming from the kitchen.
Me: Daisy, what are you doing?
Daisy: Nothing. Nothing. Stay seated nothing to see here. I’m not getting in trouble.
Daisy: Just stay where you are.
I get up and find Daisy standing on the kitchen table
Me: Daisy get down!
Daisy: Wait? What? You mean you don’t want me on the table?
Me: No, we do not.
Daisy: They why did you leave a chair for me to hop up on?
Me: Because I trusted you.
I pick her up.
Daisy licks me: Oh silly John, you are so naïve.
The New Neighbors
Daisy: John! John!! John!!!
Me: Yes, Daisy? You seem excited.
Daisy: That house! That house!! That house!!
Me: You mean the one next door?
Daisy: Yes!! Yes!!!! Yes!!!!!
Me: What’s going on?
Daisy: There are people there!! The people are not our neighbors Jim and Sue!!!!! I don’t like it.
Me: Daisy, we told you Jim and Sue moved.
Daisy: Say what now?
Me: Remember when the moving truck was there?
Daisy: Yeah I barked at them. At first.
Me: Right. But then you got used to the moving truck.
Daisy: Right…. Good point.
Me: I’m sure you’ll get used to the new neighbors. They seem very nice.
Daisy: Right! Got it! I’ll go bark at them to show them what a good guard dog I am!
Me: You do that.
The Birds! The Birds!!
Daisy barking at our bushes: Out birds out! You have no right to be in our bushes!! Out!!
Me: Daisy, leave the birds alone.
Daisy: Out birds out!! Fly away!!
Daisy runs up and down the sides of the bushes: Shoo birds shoo!! You are not welcome in MY yards!!
Me: Daisy, ignore the birds.
(Daisy is so focused she ignores me)
Daisy: Last chance birds!! Run!! Fly!!! I don’t care how you do it!! Just leave!!
Daisy: Out!!! Out!!!! Out!!!!
I blow the dog whistle to get her attention.
(Daisy ignores the whistle)
Daisy running up and down the length of the bushes: Out! Out!! Out!!! I say out!!
I blow the whistle again and again and again.
Finally Daisy notices.
(Daisy turns and runs into the house)
Daisy: John!! Why are you blowing that whistle?? It’s annoying, and I’m trying to work here!
I close the door making sure she stays in.
Me: Daisy, how about if I give you nice doggie treat instead? You’ve been working pretty hard today.
I’m sitting in my office playing an intense game of HearthStone.
(Daisy walks in anxious)
(Daisy stands by the door)
Daisy: Ah, John.
I keep playing and zoning out.
Daisy: John, I hate it when you don’t pay attention to me! John!! It’s that time of the evening.
I keep playing.
Daisy getting anxious: John, mommy is asleep. It’s you and me. I need ya bro! I don’t have fingers to turn the nob.
I keep playing.
(Daisy walks up to me. She pokes me with her paws)
Me: Daisy what is it?
Daisy: It’s 10 o’clock! I drank a lot of water. I haven’t been out in hours! You do the math!!
Me: Oh, you need to go out.
Daisy (rolls her eyes): Good job, human, good job.
Me: Sorry, Daz.
I get up and take her out.
Daisy: Mommy is right. You play that game too much.
Me: Look if you don’t mention this again there’ an extra dog treat in this for you!
Daisy: Pleasure doing business with you John!
It’s night time.
It’s cold and snowy.
(Daisy and I are out waiting for her to “go potty.”)
Me: Daisy go potty!
(Daisy sniffs a spot. Thinks about going. Decides not to)
(Daisy moves to another spot)
Me: Daisy go POTTY!
(Daisy sniffs the new spot, then moves on to another spot)
Me: Daisy, I’m freezing my butt off. Go potty.
(Daisy sniffs another spot)
Me: PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! GO POTTY! PLEASE.
(Daisy goes potty)
Daisy: See that wasn’t so hard now! Was it!
Momma Road Trip
Daisy sitting by the side door at night.
Daisy: John, where’s momma? It’s getting late.
Me: Daisy she is on a job trip to Spain.
Daisy: Say what now?
Me: She’s in Spain for a week.
Daisy: Wait, why didn’t anybody clear this with me?
Me: Sorry Daisy. Mommy’s a big professor and sometimes has to travel all over the world sharing knowledge.
Daisy: So, ah, it’s just you and me? For like a week?
Me: Yep, afraid so.
Daisy: Next time I expect to be consulted on this!
My assistant and her friend show up to give Daisy an extra walk.
Daisy very excited at the door: Poppa! Poppa!! There are people at the door! There are people at the door!!!
Daisy: It’s my cousin Tayah and some tall human!! It’s not just you and me now! I love them!! I love them!
Daisy jumping at the door: Let them in!! LET THEM IN!
I open the door.
(Daisy runs circles around them)
Tayah: Daisy you ready for a walk?
Daisy tail wagging: OMG yes!! I am SOOO BORED with just poppa here.
Daisy turns to me: Nothing personal.
Me: No I get it.
Wait Come Back!
Daisy, my assistant, and her friend come back after their walk.
Me: Daisy, did you have a nice walk!
Daisy tail wagging: Yes, yes! I loved it!
Tayah: Well, we’ll see you tomorrow, Daisy.
Daisy: Wait… What?
Tayah and her friend leave.
(Daisy darts to the door)
Daisy: Wait! Come back! Take me with you! Please!!
Me: They’ll be back tomorrow.
Daisy: But that’s like a week in dog time!
I’m sitting at my desk eating lunch.
(Daisy walks under my desk and puts her head on my leg)
Daisy: You’re planning on sharing that sandwich with me now.
Daisy: Right, Buddy?