Conversations With Daisy

These are actual conversations I have with our 1.5-year-old English Shepherd, Daisy. Note, I am interpreting Daisy’s barks, expressions, and intonation. But these are all true!

My Frisbee

Daisy: Come on John, you need some exercise, let’s go throw the frisbee.

Me: Sure.

Daisy: Well actually you throw it, and I’ll catch it.

Me: I did the math, Daisy, I got it!

Daisy: Great! You’re almost as smart as Mommy and Jay.

Me: Thanks.

(We go outside)

Me: Daisy, bring me the yellow frisbee!

Daisy: Right! On it! Can do!

(Daisy brings me the frisbee)

(I try to get the frisbee. She won’t let go.)

Me: Daisy, I can’t throw it if you won’t let it go.

Daisy(with mouth on frisbee, mumbles): That’s not my problem, Human.

Come On Let’s Get Up

Daisy barking at the bedroom door: Get up! Get up!! Get up!!

Daisy still barking at the door: Come on!! It’s almost 8am!!!! We’re burning sunlight here!

(I slowly get up)

(I walk over to open the door and enter the hallway)

Me: Okay, Daisy I’m up.

Daisy: I wanted momma.

Me: Momma, is still asleep she worked late last night.

Daisy: Oh, never mind then.

Garbage Men

Daisy: John, I have to go bark at the garbage truck open my dog door.

Me: Daisy, it’s way cold out.

Daisy: Human I do not care. I have a duty to bark.

Me: But Daisy the garbage men are just doing their jobs.

Daisy: John open the darn (edited) door now!

(I open the door. Daisy runs out….)

(Daisy comes back)

Daisy: The garbage men are gone… Well played human, well played.

Good Morning

Daisy: Human, Human, Human are you up?

(I open the bedroom door and go into the hall)

(Daisy walks to the front door)

Daisy: Oh good you are up. Open the front door, so I can out and do my thing.

Me: Daisy, I can’t let you run free so early you will go berserk and bark at the deer.

Daisy: You know me well.

Me: Come on Daisy we’ll go out the garage, and I’ll put the extendable lease on you.

Daisy: Ok I guess.

(I put the lease on)

(We head outside. I stay in the garage.)

Daisy: A little more lease please there’s a cool smell over here.

(I give her more lease. She still can’t get where she wants.)

Daisy: A little more please, favorite big human.

(I walk on top the driveway that is all ice. I slip and fall!)

Daisy: You wanna play! Yahoo!

(Daisy jumps on me)

Me: Daisy I fell…

Daisy: Oh my bad, being a puppy I’m not great at reading the room.

Me (standing): That’s okay.

(Daisy grabs a frisbee and drops it at my feet.)

Daisy: Hey, I bet playing frisbee will make you feel better!

Let Me Out… I Must Be Free

Daisy: Hey human, I’m standing by the door in your office that means I have to go out.

Me: Yeah, I broke the code. Let me get your leash.

Daisy: Wait what? No! I need to run free.

Me: Daisy, you’ll just bark and wake the neighbors.

Daisy: Exactly, they must be warned about the dangers of the squirrels and deer.

Daisy: I’m like a cute Paul Revere.

Me: Sorry, Daisy, it’s leash time. Besides a lot of what we know about Paul Revere is wrong. Do you know that…

Daisy: Okay, okay, I give up. Put the leash on my and let’s go make some yellow snow.

Vday Sort Of

Me: Daisy did you fart?

Daisy: Nope, not me. Must have been Jay.

Me: Jay’s in law school.

Daisy: Mommy?

Me: Nope she’s at work.

Daisy: You, you are getting old.

Me: Daisy, it was NOT me. Admit it, it was you.

Daisy: I’m a lady I don’t fart. I pass wind.

Me: Did you pass wind?

Daisy: A lady never tells.

The Snow Walk

(Daisy and I are out for our daily constitutional.)

Me: Daisy, the sidewalks are slippery. Let’s walk in the road.

(I walk Daisy into the road)

Daisy: Human, the road is dangerous. Those big metal things move on them.

Me: They are called cars.

Daisy: Right, I knew that. I didn’t think you did.

(We walk a bit more on the road)

Daisy: Let’s go up this driveway and get back on the nice safe sidewalk.

Me: Daisy, it’s slippery I could fall.

Daisy (looks at me): I thought you were mister Judo guy you could fall and not get hurt.

Me: I could. But still not worth the risk.

(I walk forward a few more yards. Daisy is still reluctant.)

Daisy: So, you’re saying you rather get hit by a car than fall.

Me: Daisy, I worry if I fall I might fall on you.

Daisy (looks at me): Ok, carry on.

A Bark at a Door

(Daisy outside our room barking)

Daisy: Come on, Mommy, I want to catch the ball!

Daisy: Mommy! Come on. I need you to throw the ball.

Me: Daisy, mommies taking a shower. I can throw the ball.

Daisy: Mommy was shortstop for her national team. Where you on your national team?

Me: No, but I pitched a few innings in Division III.

Daisy: Yeah, not impressed.

Daisy (turns back to door): Come on, Mommy! I want to catch the ball!

Daisy: Come on mom.

(I walk away and go make breakfast.)

The Mirror

(Daisy walks by the mirror in my office)

(Daisy sees her reflection)

Daisy: WAIT WHAT? NO NO!! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE OTHER DOG!

Me: Daisy that’s you!

Daisy: OUT! OUT! OUT!

Me: Daisy, calm.

Daisy: OUT! OUT! OUT!

(I stand up and pick Daisy up)

(she sees us both in the mirror)

Me: see Daisy, it’s you.

Daisy (smiles): Well that explains why that other dog was SO good looking!

Shoveling With Daisy

(I’m outside shoveling the snow)

Daisy: Come on Human! Come on Human, throw the frisbee.

(I continue to push the shovel)

Daisy: You must not have heard me I said, come on human throw the frisbee!

(I continue to push the shovel)

(Daisy puts the frisbee in the shovel)

Daisy: Here you go! You want to throw this.

Me: Daisy, honey, I’m shoveling.

Daisy: Yes, I see that hence the reason I put the frisbee in the shovel.

Me: Daisy, it’s hard to shovel and throw frisbee.

Daisy (shake head): Nope it’s called multi-tasking.

Daisy: I’m doing it right now, while I give you the frisbee I’m also watching those sneaky squirrels.

Me: Daisy, I promise we’ll throw the frisbee when I’m down shoveling.

Me: This is good exercise.

(Daisy grabs onto the shovel as I push it)

Me: Okay, now what’s the story here, Daisy?

Daisy: I’m giving you more exercise by adding 35 pounds of adorable dog to the shovel.

Squirrel Time

(Daisy barking at squirrels in the yard)

Me: Stop barking at the squirrels. They are harmless.

Daisy: Bark Bark! (turns to me) That’s what they want you to believe.

Me: What do you have against squirrels anyhow?

Daisy: They make fun of me being domesticated and soft! I’m not domesticated or soft!

Me: Actually, you sleep on a couch. You get food given to you. You get groomed.

Daisy (turns to squirrels): Bark bark bark!!

Me: Now why are you barking at them?

Daisy: I’m telling them they’re just jealous!

Deer Dare!

(Daisy and I going outside to do some dusk frisbee throwing)

(Daisy spots deer in yard. Deer spot Daisy.)

Deer: Yikes! It’s Daisy!!

Daisy: Get out of my yard your darn (edited) deer!!

Deer: Run for your lives, guys!

(Daisy runs after deer)

Daisy: Out darn (edited) deer! Out!!!

(The deer run away in fear.)

(Daisy comes back very proud)

Daisy: See what I did their human, I defended my yard.

Me: Thanks, Daisy. You are lucky the deer don’t seem to know they weight ten times what you do and have antlers.

Daisy: Yeah but I’m feisty, and they know it.

Daisy: Okay human now let’s throw some frisbees!!


Bios:

John Zakour is a freelance humor writer with a master’s in human behavior. He’s written dozens off novels, comics for the Simpsons and Rugrats and optioned TV shows. He writes for Mad and publishes a novel a month. John lives in upstate NY with his wife a professor at Cornell University. The two of them have one son, a powerlifting law student at UB. For exercise, John is a senior powerlifter, occasional competitive pickleball player and he was a black belt and still hits his punching bag daily. Daisy has taught him to throw frisbees quite far. Friend him on facebook he’s friendly.

Daisy Zakour is a one and half-year-old English Shepherd born in way upstate NY. For fun, she likes to chase frisbees and balls and bark at squirrels and deer.

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