These are actual conversations I have with our 1.5-year-old English Shepherd, Daisy. Note, I am interpreting Daisy’s barks, expressions, and intonation. But these are all true!
Daisy: Come on John, you need some exercise, let’s go throw the frisbee.
Daisy: Well actually you throw it, and I’ll catch it.
Me: I did the math, Daisy, I got it!
Daisy: Great! You’re almost as smart as Mommy and Jay.
(We go outside)
Me: Daisy, bring me the yellow frisbee!
Daisy: Right! On it! Can do!
(Daisy brings me the frisbee)
(I try to get the frisbee. She won’t let go.)
Me: Daisy, I can’t throw it if you won’t let it go.
Daisy(with mouth on frisbee, mumbles): That’s not my problem, Human.
Come On Let’s Get Up
Daisy barking at the bedroom door: Get up! Get up!! Get up!!
Daisy still barking at the door: Come on!! It’s almost 8am!!!! We’re burning sunlight here!
(I slowly get up)
(I walk over to open the door and enter the hallway)
Me: Okay, Daisy I’m up.
Daisy: I wanted momma.
Me: Momma, is still asleep she worked late last night.
Daisy: Oh, never mind then.
Daisy: John, I have to go bark at the garbage truck open my dog door.
Me: Daisy, it’s way cold out.
Daisy: Human I do not care. I have a duty to bark.
Me: But Daisy the garbage men are just doing their jobs.
Daisy: John open the darn (edited) door now!
(I open the door. Daisy runs out….)
(Daisy comes back)
Daisy: The garbage men are gone… Well played human, well played.
Daisy: Human, Human, Human are you up?
(I open the bedroom door and go into the hall)
(Daisy walks to the front door)
Daisy: Oh good you are up. Open the front door, so I can out and do my thing.
Me: Daisy, I can’t let you run free so early you will go berserk and bark at the deer.
Daisy: You know me well.
Me: Come on Daisy we’ll go out the garage, and I’ll put the extendable lease on you.
Daisy: Ok I guess.
(I put the lease on)
(We head outside. I stay in the garage.)
Daisy: A little more lease please there’s a cool smell over here.
(I give her more lease. She still can’t get where she wants.)
Daisy: A little more please, favorite big human.
(I walk on top the driveway that is all ice. I slip and fall!)
Daisy: You wanna play! Yahoo!
(Daisy jumps on me)
Me: Daisy I fell…
Daisy: Oh my bad, being a puppy I’m not great at reading the room.
Me (standing): That’s okay.
(Daisy grabs a frisbee and drops it at my feet.)
Daisy: Hey, I bet playing frisbee will make you feel better!
Let Me Out… I Must Be Free
Daisy: Hey human, I’m standing by the door in your office that means I have to go out.
Me: Yeah, I broke the code. Let me get your leash.
Daisy: Wait what? No! I need to run free.
Me: Daisy, you’ll just bark and wake the neighbors.
Daisy: Exactly, they must be warned about the dangers of the squirrels and deer.
Daisy: I’m like a cute Paul Revere.
Me: Sorry, Daisy, it’s leash time. Besides a lot of what we know about Paul Revere is wrong. Do you know that…
Daisy: Okay, okay, I give up. Put the leash on my and let’s go make some yellow snow.
Vday Sort Of
Me: Daisy did you fart?
Daisy: Nope, not me. Must have been Jay.
Me: Jay’s in law school.
Me: Nope she’s at work.
Daisy: You, you are getting old.
Me: Daisy, it was NOT me. Admit it, it was you.
Daisy: I’m a lady I don’t fart. I pass wind.
Me: Did you pass wind?
Daisy: A lady never tells.
The Snow Walk
(Daisy and I are out for our daily constitutional.)
Me: Daisy, the sidewalks are slippery. Let’s walk in the road.
(I walk Daisy into the road)
Daisy: Human, the road is dangerous. Those big metal things move on them.
Me: They are called cars.
Daisy: Right, I knew that. I didn’t think you did.
(We walk a bit more on the road)
Daisy: Let’s go up this driveway and get back on the nice safe sidewalk.
Me: Daisy, it’s slippery I could fall.
Daisy (looks at me): I thought you were mister Judo guy you could fall and not get hurt.
Me: I could. But still not worth the risk.
(I walk forward a few more yards. Daisy is still reluctant.)
Daisy: So, you’re saying you rather get hit by a car than fall.
Me: Daisy, I worry if I fall I might fall on you.
Daisy (looks at me): Ok, carry on.
A Bark at a Door
(Daisy outside our room barking)
Daisy: Come on, Mommy, I want to catch the ball!
Daisy: Mommy! Come on. I need you to throw the ball.
Me: Daisy, mommies taking a shower. I can throw the ball.
Daisy: Mommy was shortstop for her national team. Where you on your national team?
Me: No, but I pitched a few innings in Division III.
Daisy: Yeah, not impressed.
Daisy (turns back to door): Come on, Mommy! I want to catch the ball!
Daisy: Come on mom.
(I walk away and go make breakfast.)
(Daisy walks by the mirror in my office)
(Daisy sees her reflection)
Daisy: WAIT WHAT? NO NO!! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE OTHER DOG!
Me: Daisy that’s you!
Daisy: OUT! OUT! OUT!
Me: Daisy, calm.
Daisy: OUT! OUT! OUT!
(I stand up and pick Daisy up)
(she sees us both in the mirror)
Me: see Daisy, it’s you.
Daisy (smiles): Well that explains why that other dog was SO good looking!
Shoveling With Daisy
(I’m outside shoveling the snow)
Daisy: Come on Human! Come on Human, throw the frisbee.
(I continue to push the shovel)
Daisy: You must not have heard me I said, come on human throw the frisbee!
(I continue to push the shovel)
(Daisy puts the frisbee in the shovel)
Daisy: Here you go! You want to throw this.
Me: Daisy, honey, I’m shoveling.
Daisy: Yes, I see that hence the reason I put the frisbee in the shovel.
Me: Daisy, it’s hard to shovel and throw frisbee.
Daisy (shake head): Nope it’s called multi-tasking.
Daisy: I’m doing it right now, while I give you the frisbee I’m also watching those sneaky squirrels.
Me: Daisy, I promise we’ll throw the frisbee when I’m down shoveling.
Me: This is good exercise.
(Daisy grabs onto the shovel as I push it)
Me: Okay, now what’s the story here, Daisy?
Daisy: I’m giving you more exercise by adding 35 pounds of adorable dog to the shovel.
(Daisy barking at squirrels in the yard)
Me: Stop barking at the squirrels. They are harmless.
Daisy: Bark Bark! (turns to me) That’s what they want you to believe.
Me: What do you have against squirrels anyhow?
Daisy: They make fun of me being domesticated and soft! I’m not domesticated or soft!
Me: Actually, you sleep on a couch. You get food given to you. You get groomed.
Daisy (turns to squirrels): Bark bark bark!!
Me: Now why are you barking at them?
Daisy: I’m telling them they’re just jealous!
(Daisy and I going outside to do some dusk frisbee throwing)
(Daisy spots deer in yard. Deer spot Daisy.)
Deer: Yikes! It’s Daisy!!
Daisy: Get out of my yard your darn (edited) deer!!
Deer: Run for your lives, guys!
(Daisy runs after deer)
Daisy: Out darn (edited) deer! Out!!!
(The deer run away in fear.)
(Daisy comes back very proud)
Daisy: See what I did their human, I defended my yard.
Me: Thanks, Daisy. You are lucky the deer don’t seem to know they weight ten times what you do and have antlers.
Daisy: Yeah but I’m feisty, and they know it.
Daisy: Okay human now let’s throw some frisbees!!
John Zakour is a freelance humor writer with a master’s in human behavior. He’s written dozens off novels, comics for the Simpsons and Rugrats and optioned TV shows. He writes for Mad and publishes a novel a month. John lives in upstate NY with his wife a professor at Cornell University. The two of them have one son, a powerlifting law student at UB. For exercise, John is a senior powerlifter, occasional competitive pickleball player and he was a black belt and still hits his punching bag daily. Daisy has taught him to throw frisbees quite far. Friend him on facebook he’s friendly.
Daisy Zakour is a one and half-year-old English Shepherd born in way upstate NY. For fun, she likes to chase frisbees and balls and bark at squirrels and deer.