Conversations With Daisy

These are actual conversations I have with our 1.5-year-old English Shepherd, Daisy. Note, I am interpreting Daisy’s barks, expressions, and intonation. But these are all true!

My Frisbee

Daisy: Come on John, you need some exercise, let’s go throw the frisbee.

Me: Sure.

Daisy: Well actually you throw it, and I’ll catch it.

Me: I did the math, Daisy, I got it!

Daisy: Great! You’re almost as smart as Mommy and Jay.

Me: Thanks.

(We go outside)

Me: Daisy, bring me the yellow frisbee!

Daisy: Right! On it! Can do!

(Daisy brings me the frisbee)

(I try to get the frisbee. She won’t let go.)

Me: Daisy, I can’t throw it if you won’t let it go.

Daisy(with mouth on frisbee, mumbles): That’s not my problem, Human.

Come On Let’s Get Up

Daisy barking at the bedroom door: Get up! Get up!! Get up!!

Daisy still barking at the door: Come on!! It’s almost 8am!!!! We’re burning sunlight here!

(I slowly get up)

(I walk over to open the door and enter the hallway)

Me: Okay, Daisy I’m up.

Daisy: I wanted momma.

Me: Momma, is still asleep she worked late last night.

Daisy: Oh, never mind then.

Garbage Men

Daisy: John, I have to go bark at the garbage truck open my dog door.

Me: Daisy, it’s way cold out.

Daisy: Human I do not care. I have a duty to bark.

Me: But Daisy the garbage men are just doing their jobs.

Daisy: John open the darn (edited) door now!

(I open the door. Daisy runs out….)

(Daisy comes back)

Daisy: The garbage men are gone… Well played human, well played.

Good Morning

Daisy: Human, Human, Human are you up?

(I open the bedroom door and go into the hall)

(Daisy walks to the front door)

Daisy: Oh good you are up. Open the front door, so I can out and do my thing.

Me: Daisy, I can’t let you run free so early you will go berserk and bark at the deer.

Daisy: You know me well.

Me: Come on Daisy we’ll go out the garage, and I’ll put the extendable lease on you.

Daisy: Ok I guess.

(I put the lease on)

(We head outside. I stay in the garage.)

Daisy: A little more lease please there’s a cool smell over here.

(I give her more lease. She still can’t get where she wants.)

Daisy: A little more please, favorite big human.

(I walk on top the driveway that is all ice. I slip and fall!)

Daisy: You wanna play! Yahoo!

(Daisy jumps on me)

Me: Daisy I fell…

Daisy: Oh my bad, being a puppy I’m not great at reading the room.

Me (standing): That’s okay.

(Daisy grabs a frisbee and drops it at my feet.)

Daisy: Hey, I bet playing frisbee will make you feel better!

Let Me Out… I Must Be Free

Daisy: Hey human, I’m standing by the door in your office that means I have to go out.

Me: Yeah, I broke the code. Let me get your leash.

Daisy: Wait what? No! I need to run free.

Me: Daisy, you’ll just bark and wake the neighbors.

Daisy: Exactly, they must be warned about the dangers of the squirrels and deer.

Daisy: I’m like a cute Paul Revere.

Me: Sorry, Daisy, it’s leash time. Besides a lot of what we know about Paul Revere is wrong. Do you know that…

Daisy: Okay, okay, I give up. Put the leash on my and let’s go make some yellow snow.

Vday Sort Of

Me: Daisy did you fart?

Daisy: Nope, not me. Must have been Jay.

Me: Jay’s in law school.

Daisy: Mommy?

Me: Nope she’s at work.

Daisy: You, you are getting old.

Me: Daisy, it was NOT me. Admit it, it was you.

Daisy: I’m a lady I don’t fart. I pass wind.

Me: Did you pass wind?

Daisy: A lady never tells.

The Snow Walk

(Daisy and I are out for our daily constitutional.)

Me: Daisy, the sidewalks are slippery. Let’s walk in the road.

(I walk Daisy into the road)

Daisy: Human, the road is dangerous. Those big metal things move on them.

Me: They are called cars.

Daisy: Right, I knew that. I didn’t think you did.

(We walk a bit more on the road)

Daisy: Let’s go up this driveway and get back on the nice safe sidewalk.

Me: Daisy, it’s slippery I could fall.

Daisy (looks at me): I thought you were mister Judo guy you could fall and not get hurt.

Me: I could. But still not worth the risk.

(I walk forward a few more yards. Daisy is still reluctant.)

Daisy: So, you’re saying you rather get hit by a car than fall.

Me: Daisy, I worry if I fall I might fall on you.

Daisy (looks at me): Ok, carry on.

A Bark at a Door

(Daisy outside our room barking)

Daisy: Come on, Mommy, I want to catch the ball!

Daisy: Mommy! Come on. I need you to throw the ball.

Me: Daisy, mommies taking a shower. I can throw the ball.

Daisy: Mommy was shortstop for her national team. Where you on your national team?

Me: No, but I pitched a few innings in Division III.

Daisy: Yeah, not impressed.

Daisy (turns back to door): Come on, Mommy! I want to catch the ball!

Daisy: Come on mom.

(I walk away and go make breakfast.)

The Mirror

(Daisy walks by the mirror in my office)

(Daisy sees her reflection)

Daisy: WAIT WHAT? NO NO!! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE OTHER DOG!

Me: Daisy that’s you!

Daisy: OUT! OUT! OUT!

Me: Daisy, calm.

Daisy: OUT! OUT! OUT!

(I stand up and pick Daisy up)

(she sees us both in the mirror)

Me: see Daisy, it’s you.

Daisy (smiles): Well that explains why that other dog was SO good looking!

Shoveling With Daisy

(I’m outside shoveling the snow)

Daisy: Come on Human! Come on Human, throw the frisbee.

(I continue to push the shovel)

Daisy: You must not have heard me I said, come on human throw the frisbee!

(I continue to push the shovel)

(Daisy puts the frisbee in the shovel)

Daisy: Here you go! You want to throw this.

Me: Daisy, honey, I’m shoveling.

Daisy: Yes, I see that hence the reason I put the frisbee in the shovel.

Me: Daisy, it’s hard to shovel and throw frisbee.

Daisy (shake head): Nope it’s called multi-tasking.

Daisy: I’m doing it right now, while I give you the frisbee I’m also watching those sneaky squirrels.

Me: Daisy, I promise we’ll throw the frisbee when I’m down shoveling.

Me: This is good exercise.

(Daisy grabs onto the shovel as I push it)

Me: Okay, now what’s the story here, Daisy?

Daisy: I’m giving you more exercise by adding 35 pounds of adorable dog to the shovel.

Squirrel Time

(Daisy barking at squirrels in the yard)

Me: Stop barking at the squirrels. They are harmless.

Daisy: Bark Bark! (turns to me) That’s what they want you to believe.

Me: What do you have against squirrels anyhow?

Daisy: They make fun of me being domesticated and soft! I’m not domesticated or soft!

Me: Actually, you sleep on a couch. You get food given to you. You get groomed.

Daisy (turns to squirrels): Bark bark bark!!

Me: Now why are you barking at them?

Daisy: I’m telling them they’re just jealous!

Deer Dare!

(Daisy and I going outside to do some dusk frisbee throwing)

(Daisy spots deer in yard. Deer spot Daisy.)

Deer: Yikes! It’s Daisy!!

Daisy: Get out of my yard your darn (edited) deer!!

Deer: Run for your lives, guys!

(Daisy runs after deer)

Daisy: Out darn (edited) deer! Out!!!

(The deer run away in fear.)

(Daisy comes back very proud)

Daisy: See what I did their human, I defended my yard.

Me: Thanks, Daisy. You are lucky the deer don’t seem to know they weight ten times what you do and have antlers.

Daisy: Yeah but I’m feisty, and they know it.

Daisy: Okay human now let’s throw some frisbees!!


Bios:

John Zakour is a freelance humor writer with a master’s in human behavior. He’s written dozens off novels, comics for the Simpsons and Rugrats and optioned TV shows. He writes for Mad and publishes a novel a month. John lives in upstate NY with his wife a professor at Cornell University. The two of them have one son, a powerlifting law student at UB. For exercise, John is a senior powerlifter, occasional competitive pickleball player and he was a black belt and still hits his punching bag daily. Daisy has taught him to throw frisbees quite far. Friend him on facebook he’s friendly.

Daisy Zakour is a one and half-year-old English Shepherd born in way upstate NY. For fun, she likes to chase frisbees and balls and bark at squirrels and deer.

2 replies
  1. Nancy
    Nancy says:

    Similar discussions with my Sheltie, I swear I’m going to buy her a watch, she’s getting earlier and earlier for both her carrots at lunch and treats in the evening. I get the “what, you’re not paying attention, I want to play, go out, need food, water bowl is empty” jargin or relentless pokes and poke she does. My Mom, when visiting, says “wouldn’t you like to know what she’s saying?” and I say “No, I really don’t!” I’m afraid I’d have to block my ears at the language…it doesn’t sound like something we’d say in front of children.

    Reply

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